Where Shall I Go Today?

I had the most vivid dream recently, one that felt overwhelmingly real to the point of bringing me out of my slumber with an elevated heart rate. Those types of dreams, the ones that send your physical body into a sensory overload, can be alarming and sometimes lead to embarrassing moments. Okay, here’s a little confession. One of those embarrassing moments has happened to me. I dreamed I had the urge to use the little girls’ room. In the dream, I found the facilities and I used them. Unfortunately…well, let’s just say I’ve learned to go to the little girls’ room before retiring to bed, faithfully. Otherwise, I’d probably have some explaining to do to my husband.

In this latest dream however, I was driving my car to take a girlfriend to a conference she was attending. She sat in the back engrossed in her preparations for the conference. She paid no attention, at first, to the route I had chosen but eventually she noticed my uneasiness. She asked me if I knew the way.

“Yes, I know the way BB.”

BB is my biker sister and friend. She is also one of those people who will tell me about myself whether I really want to hear it or not. She is happy to correct a person’s misunderstanding but sometimes the person with the misunderstanding is not necessarily happy to receive it. I didn’t feel like being corrected on the route I chose. Even in my sleep I could feel the sensation of anxiety and nervousness. I could feel myself hoping she wouldn’t figure out that I was lost, while knowing all along that she was fully aware. I denied being lost and I hoped I would find my way before she felt compelled to check me on my denial.

“Are you sure Sharonda?”

“Yes, BB. See, here’s my turn right here”, I said. Then I made a left turn still unsure if it was the right direction to go.

After my turn, I realized what I had done. I was more lost than before. Now I had to decide if I was going to ride it out or admit my mistake. I kept driving. BB returned to her preparations. Up ahead morphed into less of a roadway and into more of a roller coaster track that climbed high into the clouds. My grip on the steering wheel tightened as I approached the track. My BMW X3 began to make the same sounds as a roller coaster car makes getting into position for the ascend. It was as if we were no longer driving in a car, on the way to a conference. Now, we were thrill seekers on an amusement park roller coaster.

It was too late to turn back now! I still couldn't bring myself to tell BB I had made a mistake. The car was moving to the top. The ground was fading from sight beneath us. BB was still unaffected. I could feel the fear rising up inside me. My heart began to pound in my chest. I gripped the wheel tighter. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. Anxiety was beginning to overwhelm me. Then we reached the top of the ride. The car teetered at the peak. I couldn't go backwards because there would be no way of controlling the car. I couldn't stay a the top and do nothing because BB had to get to her conference. The only thing for me to do was to go down the other side. I had to press onward.

So I gave it a little gas and down the car went. The sharpness of the angle made the car feel as if the back wheels were lifting up off the track/road. I screamed as loud as I could under my breath.

OMGoodness!!! What have I done? I can't do this! I can't do do!! God help me!!!

Finally, BB looked up and said, "Are you okay?"

I looked away from the ground approaching and into the rear view mirror to see her face. With panic swelling up in my throat, I nodded, "yes".

She replied, "Good. I see we're finally here."

I took my sight from the mirror and returned my attention to the front of the car. She was right. We had arrived at the conference. Alive! At that moment, I woke up. I couldn't believe it. I lifted my head from my pillow and turned to my husband who was sound asleep. I was so certain that this dream would have caused me to be all over the bed, running through the house, screaming to the top of my lungs and to some degree, causing him tremendous alarm. I found it absolutely unbelievable that I could endure a dream with this much realism and emotion, and yet continue to rest in my bed peacefully without any indication of terror.

Then I began to wonder what could it all possibly mean?

The car, driven by me was actually me. The street, that transformed from a typical roadway to a roller coaster track was my book Nevertheless: Peace In Spite Of Pain. BB, she represented herself, someone who God place in my life to help me through it all.

My decision to write Nevertheless wasn't an easy one or even one that came to life quickly. It began years ago as different journal entries and fictional stories infused with my truth and real-life situations. I thought if I told my story through an imaginative depiction, then it would be easier for me to pretend these trials and pains didn't really happen to me. I could pretend they happened to someone else. Anyone else. Just not me. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell my truth as someone else's fiction. If my story was going to be told, it had to be told as my story. So I stopped writing while I confronted pain that tried to hold me down. I learned to walk in my victory. In my dream, I pretended to know where I was going. I refused to tell BB I was lost. I chose to do it my way. This is exactly what I've done to my Heavenly Father. I wanted to do it my way. I pretended I knew what I was doing. But my way led me onto a track that was filled with uncertainty, cause for panic and trepidation. I was now at the peak of my circumstances and the way down was the consequence. I had to go through with it. I had to also give my worry over to God so I could actually GROW through it as well.

God is a patient God and He will never leave us nor forsake us. When we extend our hand to Him, He will receive it as a loving and forgiving Father.

At the peak of the track, when fear was becoming more than I could bear, I had to decide what my next steps would be. This also the decision I faced about publishing Nevertheless in all its truth and candor. I pushed onward, with BB along for the ride. Her eyes were the first ones to see the book in draft form and it was her encouragement that convinced me this book would be well received. She was right. And just like in the dream, when my attention was moved away from the road and onto God's plan, I arrived where I needed to be. In the dream, I had to check myself and in the natural I had to put my focus on God.

Is this acceptable? Are you pleased with me, Lord? Where shall I go today? These are the questions that should be priority in our lives and we must be in a position to hear the answers. So I asked the question, "Where shall I go today?"

God answered, "to the cemetery".

Sharonda

Walking through the Congressional Cemetery in Washington, D.C.

In A Dream