Aha Moments
This past weekend, I had the honor and pleasure of serving as the guest speaker at the launch event for Paula’s Heart, Inc., an organization with a mission of providing a place where comfort and compassion are joined with financial and educational resources, for women in need. The founder of Paula’s Heart is Cicilia Johnson and she is the beautiful daughter of the foundation’s namesake. It is her desire to follow in her mom’s footsteps of having a heart for others and she is truly honoring her mother’s memory is a special way.
As I prepared to write my speech, I read over the mission statement and asked Holy Spirit to show me the direction in which I should go. And there it was, in the mission statement I realized I could see myself. I was once someone who would have needed the services of Paula’s Heart. It was an “ah” moment.
The dictionary defines “ah” as an expression that signifies surprise, sympathy, and even realization. Well, I was surprised. I did feel sympathy. And I came to the realization that I was once, as well as my mom, someone who needed comfort and compassion through the hardest moments of my life. My mom carried hurt, oppression, guilt and shame, which left her vulnerable to people who did not have her best interest at heart. Those whom she trusted did not deserve her trust and in the midst of it all, I was being conditioned to do the same thing; to look for love, acceptance and validation in places and people who were incapable of providing any of those things.
It was as if we were on one of those spinning wheels you find at a playground. Every time it slowed down enough to where we could get off, someone came and sped it back up again. And what happens when you finally get off after going around for a while? You’re dizzy! So dizzy that you can’t walk straight on your own and you need help. Well, the people she thought were going to help us only walked us to another spinning wheel and around we went again. My mom didn’t receive the help we needed. Instead of comfort and advocacy, we encountered people who were looking to take advantage of us. They wanted to control and manipulate, and this caused a tremendous amount of suffering for my mom and me. Her suffering became my suffering and if I wasn’t careful, my suffering would begin to have the same control over the lives of my children. The cycle had to be broken; the wheel had to be stopped.
A major turning point in my life came when I found myself alone, no past and my future uncertain. At 27 years old, I was unemployed, homeless, separated from my first husband, stripped of my college degree and my entire past. How I got there was by marrying the man I thought was my dream come true.
Now, here’s a free piece of advice, dream big.
Our Father in Heaven is looking at our dreams and saying ‘Oh, they think that little of me.” I clearly wasn’t dreaming big enough back when I married my first husband. Like me, he had his own place, but unfortunately it was a cell the D.C. Department of Corrections jail. There I was a single mother working fulltime, going to college fulltime pursuing a bachelor of architecture degree. I was putting myself through school and was set to graduate in May of 2000. But then I met him and all my insecurities, all my self-doubt and familiarity with suffering convinced me that he was a dream come true. Someone facing life in prison from charges that ranged from conspiracy to racketeering, drugs to murder, with numerous baby mommas, was really the best that I thought I deserved. Even with all that I had going on for myself, I didn’t see what others saw in and for me.
Eventually he became a witness for the government and we entered the witness security program. I thought our life together would turn around because of the fresh start we received. We were given new names, new identities and moved to another part of the country. I told myself, now he’s going to be able to love me the way I wanted to be loved. That hope soon went out the window the day he took an open hand across my face. I knew then that I had become what my mom was, a victim of the same type of violence, domestic. He had been abusive before but in ways that women sometimes excuse for the sake of remaining in the fantasy that they want so badly to be true. But there was something different about this hit. I had a decision to make and I knew whatever I did in that moment I would have to live with for the rest of my life. I decided to leave but sadly, I took the guilt and shame with me.
For 7 years I worked through that pain in search for my peace. For 7 years, I cried, I ached, I worried, I stressed and I made many mistakes. Then I said, God, I’m done. I don’t want to do this my way anymore. My way has been nothing but hardship. And I’m tired of doing life this way. If I wanted the cycle of abuse and depression to stop with me, then I had to make a change. It was time to make the change to how I saw life, how I approached it, and what I wanted to get out of it. It was time to take the focus off of me and put it on someone else. The only way I would be lifted was to do what I could to lift someone else; to live for a reason other than just living; to live to provide comfort; and to extend love to others. I had to show others that God is still good, His way is still perfect and I am loved and favored nevertheless. It all made sense to me at that moment why I could stand before them.
My “ah” came as I also realized that this young lady is right where I was when I founded the Little Phoenixes Foundation. I knew I was there to offer my support of her. With everything that comes along with starting a non-profit from the ground up, from incorporation to gaining the 501c3 to attempting to convince others that the work you want to do is necessary, it is rewarding but it is also a tremendous amount of work. I knew WHY I was there, which was my “ah” moment, but now I needed my “aha” moment that would tell me WHAT to say.
“Aha” is used to express satisfaction and triumph. When someone shares with you something that is enlightening or informative, you say “ah” but when you’ve received revelation of something, a solution to a question, you say “aha!” If I asked you what’s the difference between “ah” and “aha”, you might say it’s just the letter ‘a’. You’d be right, but guess what? That ‘a’ can also stand for the ‘A’nswer. When you’ve figured out the answer, you have victory. The victory was in my story. I was there to share my story, to encourage Ms. Johnson, and to inspire her guests to become the answer for the women whom they wish to help. Those who support her and her mission, the mission and the work of the organization are the answer. Those who help her and are committed to fighting alongside with her for those who think they stand alone, they are the answer. By supporting her with volunteering, donations, guidance and encouragement, they are helping to ease the pains of those who think they’re hurting alone, and are providing a voice for those who are struggling in silence.
I was there to tell her to keep dreaming, keep believing and through it all don’t ever stop having “ah-aha” moments.
Founders Photo....Sharonda Jones, Little Phoenixes Foundation and Cicilia Johnson, Paula's Heart
